To live is Christ, but to die is gain.

About 8 months ago I found myself in Los Angeles, CA. I had the beginnings for everything I could have ever wanted.

I had my dream job in a managed service company on doing the helpdesk thing.

I had a beautiful girl who was more than I had ever hoped & asked for.

I had the fast sports car.

I was trying to save to buy a house.

I was fast on my way to achieving the American Dream.

I knew I was on the right path to achieving the things I wanted.

I realized I wasn't happy.

I was utterly miserable.

So I ran.

I sold my car, bought a truck.

I loaded up my stuff.

Quit my job.

I let her know I was leaving.

Maybe one day she could be happy, with someone who's not a selfish, angry, judgmental, hypocritical, lustful man.

I ran.

As I drove the I15 out to Barstow I watched as what was left of my castle in the sand was swept away with the tide.

I drove to Oklahoma.

I found a new sandbox.

I started rebuilding my castle in the sand.

A song spoke to me.

“Stand up we shall not be moved

Except by a child with no socks and shoes

If you've got more to give then you've got to prove
Put your hands up and I'll copy you

Stand up we shall not be moved

Except by a woman dyeing from a loss of food”

My heart was bleeding.

I felt a tug.

I felt a still small voice.

I had too much

I had nothing

But I had too much.

I still had my life.

The truth was made apparent to me.

I was gaining the world, but I was losing my soul.

But I was too far gone.

There’s no possible way that I could ever make it back.

I had been running.

Ever since I can remember I’d been running.

I was too far gone.

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath.

When I stopped running I felt someone behind me.

I turned around and found myself standing face to face with God.

I had stood there before.

Face to face with God.

Was this what I was running from?

Was running from the face of love?

He asked me if I was ready.

Ready to lay down my life

Ready to follow him

I didn’t want to.

But God gave me the strength to want to.

God gave me the strength to say,

“I don’t want you,

But I want to want you.”

God has called me to lay down my life for Him.

To deny myself so that others may gain life in Him.

I fear no death.

For I have died to myself.

The only life I have is the life in Christ.

This is a life I will not waste.